Previously, we’ve talked extensively about the physical aspect of sex. Like what exactly should you do with your tongue. Or your dick.
But that’s not all there is to it : orgasms happen in the brain, and before making her cum, you need to turn her on. And that mostly happens with things related to your attitude.
A fascinating study
I’ve quoted Aella’s work before here, but she just released yet another very interesting study that you can read in full here :
Basically, she asked ~450 women with a bodycount of 5+ to rate how much they liked ~50 different things men do during sex. The goal was not only to know what women generally like, but also to determine if some things women like can be predictive of others.
Aella asked mostly her followers, so they tend to be more liberal, promiscuous, and kink-friendly. That’d be a problem if we were trying to draw conclusions applying to the general population, but we’re mostly talking about casual-ish sex here. If you’re gonna have sex with the same person for a while, you have more time to ask and try things out.
So in that study, Aella found 4 different spectrums or clusters of things women like. Meaning if they like one of the things in that cluster, they probably like the others.
I’ll let you read the full post to have all the details, but here’s what she found :
The Hurt Me Girls : about 50% of her sample were in that cluster.
These are women who are turned on by physical dominance. Things like :mild pain (slapping, biting)
choking (safely but firmly)
generally being rough, forceful, dominant
The Please Me Girls : about 55% of her sample were in that category.
These are women who want you to be interested in their pleasure. They like things like :cunnilingus
seeing you really wanna make her cum
focusing on their clit
long foreplay
anything that would be called “romantic”
The Porn girls : about 38% of her sample were in that category.
These are women who like you to be fuckin horny all the time. They like you to :try to have sex all the time
hard pound her
fuck her multiple times
last quite a while
and generally all signs that you’re turned on
The Dirty Girls : about 33% of her sample were in that category.
These are women who like to be objectified, and are turned on by a more psychological dominance. They like things like :Dirtytalk
Being asked to dirtytalk themselves
Cumming on them
A very important thing to understand is these clusters are not mutually exclusive. For example, someone being a Hurt Me Girl doesn’t predict at all if she’s gonna be a Please Me Girl or not. And counter-intuitively, neither do the Porn and Dirty Girls.
Ok, so now you’re up to speed, let’s talk about how that can help you practically.
What surprises me
When reading the post for the first time, I was thinking “well okay, but I can think of a LOT of women who fit into the Hurt Me and Please Me clusters”. And just after, I read the spectrums were not predictive of each other. So I knew Aella was onto something.
I mostly think this is a very interesting frame of reference, especially if you don’t have much experience with women and you’ve drawn conclusions too quickly. I’ve had the chance to meet women of most possible combinations of all this, so I kinda intuitively knew it, but it’s still an interesting framework to have in mind.
It’s been published like a week ago so I haven’t banged anyone new since then, but I’m curious if it’ll get me to discover what a new partner likes faster. I’m pretty sure it will.
That being said, I’m a bit surprised by some results.
Only 55% of women being “Please Me Girls” seems insane to me. Who doesn’t like to cum ? My guess is it’s partly skewed because of most men’s skills.
For example, only 58% of women enjoy when the man “performs oral on her, enthusiastically and for a long time”. I do think this percentage would be way higher if most men were capable in that domain (for example by reading my Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus :wink wink: ). But I can understand 42% are like “no, fuck that” if they’ve only known mediocre oral that lasts for ages and just bores them to hell.
Same for “your orgasm is very important to him”. Cause if it’s the case AND the dude is just bad at it, it can last for a LONG time before he gives up.
Thinking about past hookups, I can remember several women who didn’t seem so eager for me going down on them, or even straight up told me “I usually don’t come that way”. Of course they still did (and it was not even always very difficult to find how they liked to be eaten out), but I think they’re the ones who would appear not to be in that cluster if they answered the survey.
The other thing that surprised me a bit was the relatively low amount of women liking hard pounding. I’d estimate it to be around 60%, but only 37% seemed to like it.
I guess it could be most men hard pound without paying attention to the angle, or the depth of penetration allowed by the position.
I should also add that being french, the preferences here could be slightly different for cultural reasons.
Anyway, my surprises are not that important, because in all cases, what this framework should make you do is try to determine how your current partner or sexfriend or Tinder-girl-whose-name-you’re-not-100%-sure-to-remember places on the different spectrums.
So the general numbers don’t count as much as what a given person actually likes.
How to use this in practice
So how can you use this, practically ?
1. Test for each spectrum
You can do some easy tests to see how a lady fares on the different spectrums. I’ll give you some ideas of questions to ask directly, but as it’s sometimes not the best choice (if she’s a bit shy, you don’t know each other very well, she avoids giving you a straight answer, …), I’ll also give you ideas of easy things to try to gauge her reactions.
The Please Me Girls
In my opinion, you should just always aim to make her cum anyway. I’ve covered extensively the technique of it in my ultimate guides to oral, fingering and fucking. You should have what you need to succeed. I think the easiest is to lick her to oblivion.
There’s no risk involved, because who the fuck is gonna reproach you for eating her out.
That being said, if you see she’s more eager to please you at first, and discourages or even straight up rejects it when your head is slowly going down for her pussy, just leave it at that for the moment. You’ll make her cum later.
I’ve know several women who were probably low on that spectrum, and after a few strong orgasms in my mouth, they were way more eager to let me work my magic the next time.
The Hurt Me Girls
This is more delicate, for obvious reasons : if you slap her without asking, and she doesn’t like it, it could very wrong.
The easiest would be to straight up ask her : “do you want me to be rougher ?”
If she says no, you’re basically sure she’s not into that, so slapping, biting, choking and all that are probably out of the picture.
If she says yes, you can try things out. I’d still be a bit careful, because rough can mean very different things for different women. So just go crescendo and see what she likes.
If asking her doesn’t work well for whatever reasons, there are also ways to try mild things :
Grab her firmly by the hips
Gently nibble her neck and see her reaction : if that obviously turns her on, gradually raise the pressure until it’s firm without actually biting
Put your hand on her neck, without any pressure at first. If she’s got an obvious positive reaction to it, it’s a very strong sign she likes that. If she doesn’t react at all, do NOT go further.
Grabbing her wrists to immobilize her arms is also a good test. Of course, do that gently at first (so she could still easily free her wrists) to see how she reacts to it.
The Porn Girls
The easiest test for this one is hard pounding, as Aella saw. You can straight up ask, or you can just go crescendo and see how she reacts.
The thing is, in my experience most women like hard pounding. It might be because I’m a horny fucker (I mean, you don’t write an entire blog about sex with a low libido), so maybe I’m semi-consciously selecting for women who can take it. I’ve asked my friend with some experience and they all agree with me, but it’s still a very low sample so maybe my friends are just like me 🤷♂️
That being said, I also noticed significant differences on how eager some women were to have sex for a long time or multiple times, and how turned on they were by my libido. I’d say most women are ok with one or two times, but some were clearly very eager to fully exploit everything I could give them. That’s why it would be the most telltale sign for me : is she trying to make you hard soon after the first round ? That’s probably because she wants you to be really horny.
The Dirty Girls
I think the easiest way to test for this spectrum is some dirty talk.
You can just ask if she likes it, or just try some mild version of it.
I’ve covered that briefly in my post on how to be dominant in bed, and I’ll do that more extensively in the future, but if you struggle with that, a couple things you can try :
to just express what you want in a very straightforward way, like ”I want to fuck you all night long.” or “I want to make you cum in my mouth” (this is pretty safe to say, I don’t think it can be a huge turn off)
to describe precisely what you wanna do to her. To be clear ”I want to fuck you sooo much” is not precise. ”I’m gonna put my hard cock all the way inside of you, then I’m gonna stop there, and contract it so you can feel it well. Then I’m gonna slowly fuck you until you beg me to fuck you harder” is precise.
If she doesn’t react to that, she’s probably not in that spectrum.
Is she does, it’s generally gonna be obvious either because it turns her on A LOT, or she starts to dirty talk herself.
In any case, never forget that you don’t just have 4 types of women. If she’s in the “Hurt Me cluster”, doesn’t mean she likes EVERYTHING in that cluster. Just that she has more chances to do so. So any new thing should be consent tested before (which is often as easy as just hinting to it with a mild version and see how she reacts).
2. Abandon judgment
This seems obvious to me, but I feel like I need to say it : whether you like the same things as she does or not (more about that below), you need to abandon all judgment.
Her preferences in bed are okay. This is a game. Wanting to be slapped in the face and called a slut doesn’t mean she has no self-esteem or self-respect. Actually, the most obvious Hurt Me Girl I’ve met was also the most independent and self-reliant women I’ve been with.
As far as I know, I couldn’t see any correlation between preferences in bed and general personality (although I wish Aella did a study about that).
It also works the other way : a woman who doesn’t like dirty talk is not a prude. Maybe she want you to tie her up to the bedframe but also shut the fuck up.
So not only don’t judge her for her fantasies, but also don’t assume fantasies based on her personality. She could be very confident and flirty in the world and really love slow sensual sex, and pretty shy and like to be absolutely railed.
Don’t assume too much, I’ve seen WIDE variations between the perceived personality and how women behaved in the bed.
Actually I include myself in this : in many ways I can present as the perfect son-in-law material, but the reality is pretty different.
3. Understand both positive and negative implications
Ok, so now you know if your girl scores high or low on the different spectrums and you’re not judging her for it, that gives you two very important informations :
What really turns her on
But also, what most likely turns her off
The same exact thing can make one woman go CRAZY, and the next slap you in the face and leave (well, most likely just not call you again, but still). So it’s both important to know how to turn her on so much she’ll want to ride your dick as much as possible, but also to know what could have the effect of a cold shower.
For example, if you’ve tried one or two things on the Dirty Girls spectrum and she didn’t react, it’s very likely she won’t like anything objectifying her. So just steer clear from that as much as possible.
That being said, she’s not the only one having sex, and so she’s not the only one who should enjoy it. So let’s talk about you a bit.
4. Be yourself
I wanted to dig deeper into these spectrums of sexual preferences in women, but I need a big disclaimer here : you still need to be yourself.
Do not force yourself to behave in a way that doesn’t feel right to you. She will feel it anyway, you won’t like it, it’s a bad idea.
Let’s take an example : you hookup with a girl, and she’s clearly high on the Hurt Me spectrum. Thing is, it’s not really your thing. You don’t regularly fantasize about slapping girls in the face. So are you just not sexually compatible ? Maybe, but I invite you to ask yourself a few questions before :
Are you judging her for it or not ? You might not want to, but you might. There are a lot of internalized biases in most people.
Is it really a turn off for you, or are you just meh ? If it’s a total turn off, you shouldn’t do it, but if you don’t care if she likes it, maybe there’s a way to do something that’ll turn her on and cost you nothing ?
Is there some things that feel better than others in that spectrum ?
For example, personally my instinct is more inclined to the Please Me and Porn Girls spectrums : I wanna drown her in pleasure for hours until she’s exhausted. My first instinct is not to hurt.
But it’s not completely absent in me, so there’s still some things I can do. I would probably never slap a woman in the face. It just feels too violent for me I guess. But I’d happily choke her. Probably because I feel like I have more control on the exact pressure I use, so it feels more comfortable for me.
And for dirty talk, I can definitely free that part of me with a bit of encouragement, but I’m way better at writing (says the guy who writes 4000-words posts about sex). I can write a 1000 words message that’ll make women want to find the closest restrooms for a quick wank. It’s my way of doing it. (I’ll teach you, I promise.)
So basically, ask yourself if there are some things you’d be happy to do in a given spectrum. You need to know your own boundaries, and sometimes that means actually trying it out.
But if that entire spectrum is just a turn off for you, and very important for her, there’s a chance you’re not really compatible. I don’t see a relationship lasting for long if you just don’t scratch each other’s itch at all.
The different possible combinations
Ok, now as I said, these spectrums are independent from each other, so any given woman could score high on several.
I wanna go over the possible combinations. There are 16, but I did it anyway (cue the 12 YouTube suggestions “are you autistic ?”).
I’ll use some abbreviations to make it easier :
Hurt Me = HM
Please Me = PM
Porn = PRN
Dirty = DRT
For women who score high on only one spectrum, I won’t go into details, as we basically already talked about it.
But I think it’s useful to give you a short description of all the combinations possible, just so you know they exist. Considering most of you probably have a somewhat limited experience of women, and your biases might be skewed by porn, you might draw conclusions too quickly, like “if she likes dirty talk she probably likes a bit of spanking too”, which is not true.
Low on everything : The Starfish
I fortunately didn’t meet many women who seemed to score low on everything, but they exist. If you like sex, it’s unlikely this is going anywhere honestly, you should probably move on.
She’ll be better off with a man who doesn’t like sex much (they exist, according to literally all the women I’ve been close enough with to tell me that kind of things).
High on everything : Slutty McSlutface
If you’re also a Slutty McSlutface, you’ve hit the jackpot. Whatever you do, she’ll be up for it, and you’ll be able to easily fulfill her needs.
Beware though : if there’s one spectrum you don’t like at all, she’s probably gonna miss it. But of course that’s only a problem if you’re monogamous, which is so 20th century (I’m kidding, calm down).
I’ve met several, but I’d say they’re pretty rare.
High on everything except PM : The Porn Actress
If she loves everything except you spending a lot of time to make her cum, you’ll probably make her cum when fucking. Doesn’t mean you should entirely avoid “foreplay”, but she’ll probably wanna ride your dick sooner than later.
Basically she’ll appreciate you being really intense in any way.
As I said before, I don’t feel like being low in the Please Me spectrum would be that common if men could lick pussy properly, so I don’t feel like they’re that common when you know what to do.
High on everything except HM : The Softie
She likes everything except pain and being rough. So basically you can make her cum and pound her all night long, all while calling her a slut, but don’t spank or choke her.
This is pretty common : pain, even mild, is not for everyone.
High on everything except PRN : The Businesswoman
She likes everything except you being a complete fuckboy. So basically you can have one very intense session where you choke her while calling her a dirty slut, but just once. After she needs sleep, she’s got shit to do.
Intuitively, I don’t think there are many women in this category. I can’t think of a woman I knew who liked cumming in my mouth, dirty talk, and being choked, who didn’t like hard pounding and going multiple rounds, at least somewhat.
(if you’re in that case, please leave a comment so I know you exist)
High on everything except DRT : Shut The Fuck Up and Fuck Me
She likes everything except being degraded or objectified. So you can rail her for hours and choke her, but don’t call her a slut or she’ll hit you in the face.
Pretty common too : dirty talk is not something that’s easy to do and be comfortable with, and I’m not even talking about insults.
High on both HM and PM : The Switch
These women both like cumming in your mouth and being manhandled. In my experience, it’s generally gonna be one and then the other. You’ll make her cum like crazy, and then she’ll look at you with eyes saying she’s ready to be your complete fucktoy.
But don’t insult her, and she’ll be ok with just one intense session.
You’ll basically be switching roles, which is quite a turn on.
Not the most common in my experience, but they do exist.
High on both HM and PRN : She Can Take It
She mainly wants you to be very rough : just rail her for hours while choking her. She can take everything you can give her and more. You’re gonna need stamina dude.
Don’t insult her though. Absolutely destroy her, but respectfully.
Pretty common in my experience.
High on both HM and DRT : Degrade Me
She mainly wants you to treat her badly and be your thing.
Same as “The Businesswoman”, I have trouble remembering a woman who liked that and also didn’t want me to go on for hours. There’s a strong dominance aspect in this (she wants to be your thing), which goes hand in hand with hard pounding and making it last.
So they’re pretty rare I think.
High on both PM and PRN : Stop Counting The Orgasms
She wants you to make her cum 12 times. Doesn’t mean she only wants your tongue. She WILL ask for your cock, and hard. Just not into any kind of degrading stuff. Only pure pleasure all the time.
I find the challenge pretty fun honestly (like “how far can I push you ?”), and in my experience, they’re also very giving. I don’t remember any woman who fit that pattern and wasn’t also absolutely amazing at blowjobs.
High on both PM and DRT : Do The Laundry
The bed is gonna be absolutely filthy with both of your cums.
I’m not sure they’re common honestly : for the most part, whenever I was with a woman who was both into cumming a lot and having my cum on her face, she wanted more, and so she was more a Softie.
High on both PRN and DRT : The Cum Canvas
She basically wants to be covered in your cum after a 3 hour session.
I’m also not sure they’re common : all women I’ve had sex with who fitted that profile were also high on the other spectrums, so they were more Slutty McSlutfaces.
Hope that’ll help you wrapping your head around how your attitude can influence how good of a lover you can be, what women like, and how to know what your partner of the moment wants.
Tell me if you want more posts on the topic, or if you have specific questions, and feel free to share this post with friends and subscribe to get the next ones in your inbox !
Hi Vincent. Will you be coming back to the blog? I'm still a subscriber and plan to remain so for a while. I know life's getting in the way for you. My partner and I have particularly loved your posts on dominance and on cunnilingus so thanks for the amazing orgasms. We are definitely Slutty McSlutfaces. Also appreciate your statement on trans inclusivity even though it's not what you write about. I'm a trans guy and my partner's a cis man so we have the parts for hetero sex and can make everything you write work (cunnilingus with a T-enlarged clit is amazing). We are struggling to get started with anal which makes me sad because we've both managed it before with other people, it's just not working together, so I'm interested in what advice you might have about that, it's been so long since I tried. I'm far too tense and my partner just finds the cleaning regime overwhelming. Thanks
someone on the lines between businesswoman/degrade me/drt here. i think the main factor is that i can find it hard to stay focused on sex, and so dirty talk, blowjobs, light sadism where my partner’s doing a lot at once (ie you can choke, lick ear, tweak nipple, etc) force me to focus a lot more than just heavy pounding or cunnilingus. i also say light sadism because i don’t really love pain on its own, it’s more the power differential for me—and so with heavy pounding, which can start to hurt after a while, there’s nothing else to take my mind off of it as compared to the PM types of actions.
i also really like my sleep lol, so while i don’t mind a few hours, there’s definitely a line.